I've had one of those day....contemplative. Actually the last couple days have been like this, but today was different. Today, there were some "aha" moments.
It's funny what happens when you step away from everyday life. Research shows that your subconscious works on issues on its own--without direction....that is why some of the best ideas come in the shower, when you wake up in the middle of the night, driving, etc.. Not because you are thinking about them, but because you are quiet and your mind takes over.
Today, as I was watching two guys (who obviously had new kayaks) maneuver waves to make it to the wide open ocean, I thought to myself, "If they can just get past the waves, they will be o.k." That, my friends, is just like life. Once we can maneuver some of the waves, the waters get easier.
What causes the waves? For me, today, it was several things. Work. Check. Kid (one of them). Check. Parents. Check. Relationships. Check.
While I didn't get all of these issues solved, I did think about what I want in terms of relationships--no matter who it is with--friends, significant other, kids, colleagues. I want peace, and I want to be accepted for who I am. Part of this comes from accepting who I am....o.k. a major portion of it. Guess what?
There are some things that I am, and some things that I'm not. I have many things that I wish were different. I wish I was skinnier. I wish my face didn't have as many wrinkles. I wish I had a bigger cup size and a smaller butt size--hmmmm....I wonder if I can put a suction hose in hips and suck it upward? Hmmm? I digress.
I am, however, fairly smart. Productive. A good friend. Mom. Been told I'm pretty funny, but that sometimes is just a side benefit of my unfiltered brain, but....I'll go with it. I am creative--except when it comes to drawing and singing. I love to write, travel, music, and go to the beach (Why does this sound like a online dating profile?) I figure out problems and can research stuff until people's eyes glaze over. I am a mess (albeit a glorious one!) and pretty damn fun to be around. And while I don't have the figure of a size 2 or even an 8--like it...or leave it. After all, those skinny models, are they real? I don't know. Even if they are, I will challenge any of them to a "wit" competition or well-read competition....any day. Nobody can have it all--at least in one lifetime. ...as a side note, when I come back in my next life, I already have an order in to be Beyonce VanGogh. ...hoping the figure, ability to sing, painting, and fame (with (or without) Jay Z) makes up for the missing ear. ...actually, no worries, because I'm coming back with thick hair too! It will cover up my ear issue!
In the meantime, I am who I am. And today, I decided that while I have not been sure I will ever get married again (2 times just may be enough), I am going to start actively looking for a companion....a partner. Not someone to take care of me. I'm perfectly able to handle my own stuff. No babysitter needed. I make my own money. Have my own house. And can even change a replacement headlamp bulb (hold the applause please). :)
I do want someone, however, that I can do life with. Whatever that looks like. I miss the male companionship. I have great friends, but I do want something more.
Oh and Revelation #2....I am not going to be involved in the drama. "If you don't run, they can't chase you," will be applied to all relationships in my life. Period. The End.
So anybody that knows a man that wants to apply, please email me. :D In the meantime, I'm going out tonight.