I've taken a couple week hiatus from posting a blog because, well frankly, it’s been rough. I haven’t felt funny, creative, or anything much different than Oscarette the Grouch. I had written blog posts but they all just sounded dull, boring and like "life." BLAH.
I had been thinking about my quandary for a couple of days and then yesterday--yesterday happened. I had one of those ass-kicking conversations with a friend who said “Get with it.” Now don’t get me wrong, I think other friends had made similar observations over the last several weeks, but sometimes I ignore comments. I am not ready to hear them, or they were softer/gentler, but not more kind--because they are all kind. We do, however, or at least I do, need those friends who know us, kick our ass, and then are there to love us. I have one thick skull. Whatever the reason—here I am.
If you want to read a real blog post about real feelings and real life, then just might be your post!
As I've written about before, I'm trying to live "in the now" more often. All the time would be nice but, well, how do I say this? Sometimes I suck at it. O.k. and "sometimes" is generous. Sometimes (or always) I would rather escape to the future. My expectations are that unicorns will poop candy (preferably chocolate and red skittles), puppies are in all directions, children are giggling, gerbera daisies line every sidewalk, and there are endless craft rooms. Nobody dies. Everybody has wonderful relationships. The word cancer doesn't exist. Wars don't happen, neither do car accidents. As a single woman, I will run into my “William” at a bookstore.
Unfortunately, these expectations rarely exist. And, yes, there is that simple fact of “I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her” loses some tenderness over the Amazon Chat feature. Real life is messy. And the trick for me is to not wish it was different, but, instead love life through all of that Expectations Gone Awry movie.
Expectations. That one damn word that seems so innocent. It isn’t necessarily an obviously ugly word, but man, can it bring up some ugliness in me. When I stop and think about life, however, some of my biggest laughs (even in the last three week dry spell of writing a blog) have come during the unexpected. The unexpected phone call where I laughed so hard my sides hurt. The anonymous flower delivery to someone (me) who likes to have all the facts, neatly sorted by category--and the panic and laughs it provided. The dinner with a friend just because we both had a free moment on our calendar. The late night conversation with my son where we talked about life and what it meant. The laugh with girlfriends over a recent “first” email I received from an online possible suitor—and I quote—“Just looking for a friends with benefits. Like to be upfront.” (Well, now there is a new pick-up line. LOL). A good conversation and meal with a new friend. A catch-up coffee with another friend. A late night Candy Crush Soda game where my mind wandered aimlessly, but an answer came to me about something that had me perplexed. And yes, even, the ass-kicking conversation yesterday—unexpected, needed, caring, and honest.
So once again, I sit at the beginning of a month, saying starting today, August 1, I will be present. Present in every situation, no matter how funny, sad, boring, crappy, fantastic those moments are. I will show my authentic self. (That vulnerable stuff sucks sometimes, just sayin’.) I will raise my glass to that dirty little word: expectations and to those anti-chocolate-pooping unicorns. I will embrace how good my life is: I have a roof over my head, friends who love me (sometimes more than I love myself--which is a problem, I know), good times spent with those I love, plenty of laughs to go around, a job which provides financial stability, and a comfortable lifestyle. Friends who reach out to me at just the right time with a funny meme, a phone call, a hug, or an “encouraging” word, card, or email. I am blessed.
So, my new expectation is: I won’t always be funny, creative, or amazing in my blog posts, but I will be authentic. That is one expectation I can meet.